Bitumen, Bitamen – Let’s call the whole thing off

For Immediate Release

Up, up and away!

Today I am pleased to announce an initiative that will change the face of British Columbia – a new air borne pipeline project, valued at $100 billion that will flow bitumen from the tar oilsands of Alberta to the island free channels off Kitimat, generating economic and environmental benefits until the coming apolcalypse.

The pipeline, held in place by 14 million rotary type things will solve all environmental problems while delivering bitumen to my soon to be good friend David Black’s imaginary refinery.

My project, code named “wishful thinking” will create 200,000 person years of employment and $500 billion in economic spin-offs.  No, I did not just pull those numbers out of my ass but for proprietary reasons I am not at liberty to release the numbers generated by my magic number generator.

It is true that I know nothing about pipelines or oil – I can’t even spell bitumen.  I have my people do that for me.  I have no investors, no relations with customers and no relations with producers.  I don’t even have an on-going stable relationship with reality.

But I have no doubt that this dream, this nightmare that haunts my every waking hour, can be made real.  Why?  Because I AM Ian Reid.

Think about it:  If I get up in the morning and want a piece of toast, I make a piece of toast… unless of course I forgot to buy bread, which is what usually happens.

If I want to run a network of over 150 newspapers full of crap and spin and lots and lots of flyers I run a network of over 150 newspapers full of crap and spin.  I just don’t feel like it, so I don’t.

See.  What I don’t want, doesn’t happen.  Which just goes to show that what I want, does happen.

I’ve heard some people talk about my problems with First Nations, wondering how I’ll secure the air-rights over the 379 parcels of First Nations’ land between Alberta and island free Kitimat.

It’s true I wrote that joke in the Legion newsletter.  So?  That doesn’t mean I don’t like them.  A joke’s a joke, right?  I plan to launch detailed negotiations with each and every First Nation along the pipeline route, once I figure out how to pronounce their names.

You know, I like to think of myself, not as an industrialist in my head, but as a philanthropist and environmentalist in my dreams.  So when the Premier called me up and said “for Christ’s sake, will you get off your rear end and help me out on this.  I’m dying,” I rose to the challenge.

I don’t just believe.  I know.  This project is as real and important as Premier Clark’s victory in the coming election.

That’s why Don Cayo is writing a dreamweaver piece on this as I speak.

Thank you

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11 Responses to Bitumen, Bitamen – Let’s call the whole thing off

  1. Kim says:

    Lol, Ian you are brilliant! Sharing this!

  2. Michael Hale says:

    This surpasses other recent news outbreaks about missing islands and clever refinery proposals! Ian, you get the “news event of the week” award. Can you make it to Kalamazoo for the awards ceremony?

  3. Merv Adey says:

    Best blog post of the year. Bar none.

  4. Larry Kuehn says:

    My favorite comment in the Sun’s gushing about the Black plan is the sub-head on the profile of Black which says “If David Black gives you his word on something, you know you can count on it,” says former premier Gordon Campbell.

    Gordon Campbell is, of course, the leading expert in B.C. on your being able to count on the word of someone. That headline writer should win an award.

  5. kootcoot says:

    Thank you Ian, finally someone gets really real, with real solutions – maybe you should offer your services to both the Obama and RMoney-Ryan campaigns, working in the end for the highest bidder (which with Koch brothers help will likely be the RMoney-Lying, oops, Ryan dudes).

    Your bitumen transport plan is as realistic as the Ryan budget……….

  6. kootcoot says:

    BTW, why not power the pumps with windmills mounted on the pipeline up there in the air?

  7. Karla Babe says:

    having seen what mr black did to a once great little weekly paper where i live i would not trust him to do anything requiring honour and integrity… unless we stay on our toes he could become a senator!

    great article…

  8. Regular Reader says:

    Could barely read this one aloud to the others in the room due to choking with laughter at the clever construct and wit!
    So glad to see you posting often again. I check your site daily and missed you! Sending good wishes for your health : )

  9. the salamander says:

    do you have any job opinings ? i note that you have not menchioned a number of important asspecks that your competaturds are lobbying about. so I cuold be your minister of missileanyass affairs.. and aunty-scandal department, and your dude with his boots and ears onto the ground, all both at once, so to speak. I would insure their was an outsorced and cheap kleen up affairs department so if any of the bitaman oil fell frum the sky we kwikly say its raining free ethikal oil (a good thing eh? .., or say it was foreign based baseless smearing and so it never happenned and thusly we aint got vironmental liebility . I would insure hiring feral polyticians since their all lawyers anyway & they destroys all your legal & moral problems and chats up John Baird at Forrin Affairs into gettin chinese oil baring zepplins contracted to rondayvous with where yer floaty sky tap turns the Alberta bitaman off and on. I will sned you my lengthy refrences soonly. as I would like to leaf Ontario before the dutch elm disease katches up to us here. I am realy exited by your companys far sighted & hi flyer vision, extreme techknowledgy and how lucky that youll be rich soon and quick !
    watch out fer those 1st natianals tribes or tree hungers or radikal political animules cause they will tyee you up and then try too take you for a ride after. or take a byte out of your wallit and your bottom end, and all 3 can hurt. anyways. the ad vice from me is for free but you should really think abowt hiring me lickdee split (that is toute sweet, as I am billingual in french merci oui oui) and soon I get my degree from Ezera Universtity of Ethikal Oil at Athabasker after 4 hard weeks of studyin, boning up and exams dun over the world Wide net. (I aint won to brag, but I was told in advance id likely graduate with honers). let me know about the job.. OK ? Ps.. are you buying a raydar systam for steering your pipeline over the Rocky’s ? or buying a fighter jet to protect your investmint? you should sirtainly think that one over I think ! Your kreative ad idea for your new company by the way is wonderful. nobody else ever hid such a grate ad inside of a blog. its kind of a girilla approach nest suh pas ? What we rad kreative types call camel flage, when you hide it or disappeer it (something like all them BC islands) in plain sight or offshore banks. And with the dough you save avoidin TV ads & a media bys and talk radio to sell your big idea, you can hire me.. and even my cousin, before even the polyticians you need to buy..

  10. e.a.f. says:

    that is priceless. funny, really enjoyed it. Upp makes perfect sense. lets try it.

    I think the Black suggestion is a trial balloon to see if voters can be swayed by the thoughts of jobs & money. It doesn’t seem to be working so I’d suggest that is the last we hear of Black’s suggestions. Now yours can be “built on” I think we can hang the pipeline from helicpoters which can be refueled in air & it will all just float around. O.K. maybe we should just all cut back on B.C.’s favorite plant. Now that would be a business to get into. oh, ya some others got there first & they don’t like competition, but hey, if it were legalized we could start farming the stuff & provide jobs & get money that way. I’d rather have a few hundred m.j. farms than all those tankers & pipelines.

  11. Sue D says:

    nicely done!–Bob Rennie & David Black should get together to put combined oil refineries/art galleries across BC.
    #slow news day #megalomaniac big fish in small pond #leadership vacuum

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