For Immediate Release
Today I am pleased to announce an initiative that will change the face of British Columbia – a new air borne pipeline project, valued at $100 billion that will flow bitumen from the tar oilsands of Alberta to the island free channels off Kitimat, generating economic and environmental benefits until the coming apolcalypse.
The pipeline, held in place by 14 million rotary type things will solve all environmental problems while delivering bitumen to my soon to be good friend David Black’s imaginary refinery.
My project, code named “wishful thinking” will create 200,000 person years of employment and $500 billion in economic spin-offs. No, I did not just pull those numbers out of my ass but for proprietary reasons I am not at liberty to release the numbers generated by my magic number generator.
It is true that I know nothing about pipelines or oil – I can’t even spell bitumen. I have my people do that for me. I have no investors, no relations with customers and no relations with producers. I don’t even have an on-going stable relationship with reality.
But I have no doubt that this dream, this nightmare that haunts my every waking hour, can be made real. Why? Because I AM Ian Reid.
Think about it: If I get up in the morning and want a piece of toast, I make a piece of toast… unless of course I forgot to buy bread, which is what usually happens.
If I want to run a network of over 150 newspapers full of crap and spin and lots and lots of flyers I run a network of over 150 newspapers full of crap and spin. I just don’t feel like it, so I don’t.
See. What I don’t want, doesn’t happen. Which just goes to show that what I want, does happen.
I’ve heard some people talk about my problems with First Nations, wondering how I’ll secure the air-rights over the 379 parcels of First Nations’ land between Alberta and island free Kitimat.
It’s true I wrote that joke in the Legion newsletter. So? That doesn’t mean I don’t like them. A joke’s a joke, right? I plan to launch detailed negotiations with each and every First Nation along the pipeline route, once I figure out how to pronounce their names.
You know, I like to think of myself, not as an industrialist in my head, but as a philanthropist and environmentalist in my dreams. So when the Premier called me up and said “for Christ’s sake, will you get off your rear end and help me out on this. I’m dying,” I rose to the challenge.
I don’t just believe. I know. This project is as real and important as Premier Clark’s victory in the coming election.
That’s why Don Cayo is writing a dreamweaver piece on this as I speak.